Healing Sucks. I am so over it.

The thing about healing is that it’s not just a one-and-done thing. You know? It’s about figuring out what actually matters to you, doing more of that, and cutting out all the crazy crap that honestly has zero effect on your daily life.

It’s more like—this? It can be tough as hell. There are days when I don’t want to get up, when I don’t want to deal with one more divorce paper or whatever… but I don’t have a choice. I guess that’s what this whole “adulting” thing is. The thing we’re always putting off.

For the last six months, I haven’t been able to do crowds. There’s just something about that suffocating feeling—too many people, too much noise, no clear way out. So that’s a big part of what I’m working on. Going downstairs, hanging out in small crowds, and then disappearing back up to my little hobbit hole when it gets overwhelming.

Someone asked me the other day how long I thought this healing process was going to take. I didn’t have the heart to tell them I’m assuming the rest of my life.

So I just said a year. I am such a liar.

It’s hard—finalizing my divorce, getting all the paperwork together, and presenting it to a judge like, “Here’s everything I’ve been fighting against for the last ten years, please let me be unmarried ASAP.”

Sometimes I forget that… I don’t have to be married. I don’t have to turn to someone for help. I did all of this. I can do it again. I don’t know why I feel like I need that crutch. That person to be there.

Okay yeah, it’s a step-by-step journey, but I got this.

Like this stupid car of Kevin’s. Y’all. He left it in a parking garage for me to deal with. Like, that’s the bull I go through. I’ll just be going about my day and suddenly I’m spending the whole afternoon dealing with this thing. But the thing is—I can’t control him. I can’t make him come get his car, but I can release myself from worrying about whether he handles it.

That’s the hard part about still being legally tied to him—until my name is off of his, it feels like his burdens are still mine.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

LOL, I will not be doing this again.

It’s hard because I never really thought I’d face life as a single person, but for some reason, it feels liberating. Like… I can actually do this.

And here’s what I know—by focusing on what I can fix, I’m not stuck in existential dread. It’s a freeing shift.

And honestly? I am so over this whole “take it one day at a time” thing. That’s too much time for me right now. I have to take it one ten-minute period at a time.

That’s the whole secret here.

And if you’re in a similar situation—remember: you’re in control of your own body and your own decisions. Sometimes, you need to avoid those who hurt you, even if you were married to them.