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Running Away Isn’t The Move Here

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My grandmother texted me and told me to come home to Texas. So did my brother. I know they’re worried about me, but the thing is, I am in the process of building exactly the life I want to live, and honestly that is going to be a little messy– but I can’t run away from it.

Orange Van Die-cast Model on Pavement

It’s not even that it would be running away, because honestly. I don’t want to. I love what I’ve built here, I want to continue to work for it and grow it into the awesome successful life that I had back in Texas, but if I run back to the Lone Star State every time I get a little kicked in the butt, then I am not going to get any stronger.

You see, that’s the thing I’ve learned about myself. I have to face whatever it is head on. I have to look at it from the very front in order to solve it. And right now…. this whole being a xennial woman feeling lost because I’ve been in survival mode focused on everyone but herself is honestly super common.

Every single time I write about this, I hear from dozens of women that feel exactly the same way I do. That they’ve been so focused on creating the joy that they forgot to feel it, and now they don’t even know what it feels like anymore.

For me, it wasn’t just that I was focused on creating the joy, I was also focused on creating the illusion of joy from the outside. Because, after all, isn’t that what joy creators do? Isn’t that how they work?

Funky skull graffiti on locked roll down black door

Spoiler alert: It’s not how they work, and you will burn yourself doing that part. It’s totally okay to create joy, but creating the illusion of joy is just too much damn effort for not enough payout.

And that’s the thing, yet again… it all leads back to worth. And what I have to understand is that what really matters here is, what’s it worth to me? Not what am I worth to it?

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