So Here’s the Hardest Part of Today…

What’s really going on in my life right now is hard. Like, not my shoes are uncomfortable, or I don’t know what’s for dinner kind of hard. I mean like my whole entire world is flipping turning upside down and I don’t even know which way is up on this boat we like to call life right now.

This whole process of getting out of my marriage without losing me, myself, and everything has become my full-time job, and it’s one hell of a job. I barely worked for a year.

I didn’t pay like any bills, and now I’m trying to piece my life back together one giant pile of crap I’ve created after another, hoping I don’t lose my house in the process. But the reality of it is, that could so happen, and it’s all my fault because I couldn’t get my crap together fast enough.

But the part that really breaks me is how much of this still depends on him. On getting his signature. On his cooperation. Even on just small things like paperwork. Like today when the realtor innocently says, “Okay, next step is here… we need one more signature. Just waiting on him.”

Waiting on him.

The same man who used to well, you guys know what he used to do to me. I don’t have to get into that here. But like he’s the one I finally got away from. And now, even after everything, I still have to sit and wait for him to sign a piece of paper so I can move forward with my life.

That’s the part that makes me crazypants. It’s so hard to do this one step at a time. I want it to be over in a way that will just be done. You know? I can’t keep living in this limbo. I want to be free.

I don’t even know what that will feel like, to be truly free. I don’t know it it’s something I’ve ever felt.

But I do know that it’s right there.