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What Really Happens Every Single Time I Start A Diet…

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Today is a bright new day! It is the start of a better, new, healthier me!

Time to break out the MyFitnessPal app on my phone, and get this party started right. I’m going to track EVERYTHING I put in my mouth, and track everything I work off in exercise. Let’s do this thing!!

What Really Happens Every Single Time I Start A Diet…

BREAKFAST: 3 hardboiled egg whites, coffee with sugar and creamer, more
coffee with sugar and creamer.

That seems pretty healthy. Man, I’m rock’in this thing. It’s not so hard! Pshaw … I’m not sure what my friend was talking about! Hard! Ha! This is going to be a piece of cake … er, maybe not cake. Cake is bad. This is going to be a walk in the park!

Breakfast tracked in the app! Only 165 calories! Man, I’m doing great!

*One hour later*

Huh, I’m kind of hungry. Maybe I should try a bottle of water. They say water fills you up. It’s supposed to be refreshing, and give you a slight pick-me-up. I’ll try it!!

*Opens water bottle and drinks down.*

They, whoever “they” are, lied. Man, I’m hungry! And water is gross. It has absolutely no flavor! No fizz and no flavor, it’s hardly a real drink! AND I’M HUNGRY!!

*Rummages through pantry*

Oh, baked crackers! They have to be good for me, right?!? They’re BAKED!

*Reads nutrition label*

EIGHT crackers per serving?!! Who are they kidding? Were they laughing when they wrote this? My TODDLER eats more than eight crackers for a snack!

Screw it, I’m hungry! I’ll suck it up. I’ll slowly eat my EIGHT BAKED crackers, and I’ll enjoy them!

Snack and water tracked in app. 70
Calories total. That brings me to 235 calories for the day. Not too shabby at all.

Maybe I should get some exercise in before lunch. I’ll walk in the fresh air up and down my street. There is a slight hill, it will be great for me. Fresh air, walking, hill, it’s perfect.

I leave my front porch with my Run Keeper app turned on to track how far I’ve gone. I briskly walk down that hill to the end of the street. I then walk briskly up that same hill to my front porch. I’m sweating like a pig! That HAD to be at least 20 minutes.

I look at my watch. 8 minutes has gone by. What the fricking heck? I shake my watch thinking it must be broken.

That’s okay. I’ll check my Run Keeper app. It won’t steer me wrong. I stare at the screen: Less than half a mile. What the ever-loving sweet gosh? NO. I’m sweaty. That was enough of a workout.

LUNCH TIME (11:30 is considered lunch, right?). I check the refrigerator. I’m starving. One cold piece of pepperoni pizza won’t kill me. I scarf it down. STILL FRICKING HUNGRY!! I’ll make 3/4 a cup of green peas and egg salad just to eat in a bowl. A little mayo won’t hurt, and eggs have barely any calories.

Lunch tracked in the app. 779 calories!!! But I barely had anything!! Ugh! This brings my total for the day to 1,014 calories. Crap!

I fidget, clean, and pace like a hungry lion for a couple hours before I can’t take it anymore. I have to have a small snack.

I’ll have more green peas. They were good, and the calorie count was low. While that 3/4 cup of peas is warming up, I’ll just eat this muffin. It’s sitting on the counter, and it will just go bad if nobody eats it.

Tracks snack in app. 563 calories? Can that be right?!? That brings my daily total to 1577 calories. I’m only allowed 1800 calories a day. That means I get 223 calories for supper.

Supper is still 3 1/2 hours away. What can I eat for 223 calories? Celery and a dry piece of toast?!!

Forget this!!

App deleted.

I’m fine just the way I am! Who needs a better, new, and healthier me anyway!

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