When You Have To Poop At A Friend’s House…

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It all starts out casual. Your child gets invited to a playdate and the mom has wine and cheese set out for all the other parents. Pretty much best mom ever, ammiright? So everyone’s laughing, and sipping, and you swallow that third bite of brie when it hits. The urge. You look around. It’s okay. You’re okay. You smile, everyone’s still laughing. No one notices that small bead of cold sweat now working it’s way down your forehead. Maybe it’s just gas, you think. Do you test it? Better not…you can never trust a fart. Someone notices a look on your face…”Are you okay?” You smile. “Actually, where is your restroom?”

friends drinking


“It’s down the hall, to the right,” someone says. You excuse yourself. Stand. They point and nod.

Your gut clenches. Even though you know no one is in there, you knock. Let yourself in.

You look around the room. Things are about to happen to this room. Your friend has a seashell motif going on. Beautiful, soft blue towels. Seashell soap. A cute little rubber ducky sitting on the edge of the tub. There’s a picture of the Footprints in the Sand story hanging on the wall. Pretty much the cutest bathroom you’ve seen in your life…didn’t she say earlier they just renovated?

seashell motif

Again you think, maybe it’s just gas. You sit and the small tinkle starts, followed by a second of confidence. You’ll be fine. This doesn’t have to be a catastrophe. You probably just had to pee. Then IT happens.

1. It IS just gas – not such a big deal. You’ll turn on the fan, wave your hand, and close the door on the way out.

2. Okay, that’s not so bad – maybe you just poo a little. Like, nothing major, you finish up, go back and join your friends.

3. Your first poop ever – this one is terrifying. It’s like you’ve never gone before and everything is leaving your body all at once. It’s awful and noisy and, “OH GOD! CAN THEY HEAR!?!?”

Seriously? Can they hear you? I mean, you can hear them. Someone just giggled. They’re giggling about you, you just know it. And you’ve been in here forever. They know what’s going on. Everyone always knows. Then…the smell hits. A light whiff at first, like you’ll be able to make it through this, but then…something must have DIED INSIDE YOU.

If you even open the door, they’re going to smell. You look around for air freshener, but your friend doesn’t have that. She took the time to fill her bathroom with ocean decor and she couldn’t take one flippin’ second to find some sea breeze air freshener?!?!?!



You wipe. Flush.

It doesn’t go down.

Nooooo…it’s actually coming back up.


Maybe you can crawl out the window? Yeah, it’s big enough. You’ll just go home, pack a bag, and move out of state.

But then you remember your child – your first born, love of your life, is in the backyard. Running away is not an option.

You grab the plunger from beside the commode and plunge like your life depends on it. “C’mon,” you beg. “Just go down. JUST. GO. DOWN.” One. Two. Three swift plunges and finally…the waters are receding.

A knock on the door. “You okay in there?”

OH HOLY…deep breath. Putrid, smelly breath. “I’m fine. Be out in a minute.”

You want to flush again, but you know they’ll hear.

So you turn on the water in the sink. Full blast. It splashes out and onto your yoga pants. Head hung, you flush one more time, before finally turning the water off.

Nothing else can be done. The war has been fought…and lost.

You come out and apologize. “Sorry, my husband texted, we’ve got to go.”

A lie. And you’re never coming back.

Not ever.

Not after what that poor, defenseless little rubber ducky just went through…

rubber ducky

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  1. Y’all need to stop playing with me… I know what the &*%& is going on

  2. Yeah but this DOES NOT ADDRESS the real nightmare! STAYING at a friends for a weekend!!! hold it in for two whole days arrggggggg!!!!

    1. I swear! I was trying to find an article on TIPS. ?

    2. Omg so true,literally. I held it in for two days, so glad I made it. ??

    3. Just poop at your friends house what’s the biggie kid.

  3. I was at a friends house yesterday for a graduation party for their son. I have used the downstairs bathroom once before to poop when the house was nearly empty, but this time there were several of the younger kids playing downstairs near the bathroom. It didn’t seem to bother them that I went in to use the bathroom. I farted a few times, It got quieter and one of the kids giggled; I think I had a listening audience. I think kids are just curious and find things like that funny so I didn’t let it bother me that much. I would have held off my poop if I could, but I so needed to go. I ended up having to push somewhat loudly during the whole bowel movement and I knew I was being heard. I finished, wiped, flush, sprayed Lysol and exited. The kids were drawing quietly on paper. I didn’t say anything as I went back upstairs to join the adults. My body always seems to pick the worst possible times to need a bowel movement.

  4. Yep thanks for this cause I’m actually on the toilet at my friends house and idc about taking poops I’ll take one any where If have to go

  5. scared to poop? Yeah in like a dirty filthy restroom but not out of someone knowing, you, just like they, poo too. This is crazy

  6. Bloody hell.

    Are Americans really this hung up about going to the toilet?

    No wonder you invent euphemisms for it like “rest room”.

    “I’m tired! I’m just going to go and have a, um.. er.. ‘rest’…”.

    Duuuude, just take a dump and move on. It might be smelly but that’s just the nature of poo.

    1. PS: Sorry if that’s a bit mean.

      I loved your article about vaccines. Spot on! 🙂

  7. this is retarded. youre friends, ask for the plunger like a fucking adult.

  8. I’m crying….my stomach hurts! I had to grab my inhaler at the window! You are so spot on…oh the horror of it! But that had me laughing like I haven’t in a long time…thank you! And the collapsible plunger…that had me all over again!

  9. You’ve just perfectly described my all time, number one fear, EVER. THIS is the reason I avoid pooping in public (or a friend’s house) at all cost.

    Hilarious, spot on…like you read my journal!

  10. My family always showed no shame when it comes to the reality……”poo happens”! Two words “courtesy flush”. Pardon the TMI- This is the act of flushing as soon as soon as separation occurs. It can take some practice. This not only helps with smell, but prevents tp from clogging the toilet as this is a separate flush. Two flushes is far less embarrassing then clogging the toilet or stinking up the joint. You mentioned window, which you immediately open if available. I’m not a fan of sprays(1.) It screams I just blew up your bathroom, and (2.) It never eliminates the smell, just mixes and gives the nose the illusion it’s ok to breath. Hit the fan, shut the door, and maintain your dignity?

  11. I’ve got one word for you- Poopouri. Google it. Keep it in your purse at ALL times. You may also need to invent a collapsible plunger or something to keep in there.

      1. Poopouri is a real item you buy at bed bath and beyond to spray in toilet water and it really does eliminate all evidence of what you did… But expensive… $15 for a about a 1 oz spray bottle but worth it…

      2. I keep a bottle in each of my bathrooms since the product became available. No need for my guests to feel uncomfortable.

    1. Awesome stuff. I carry a bottle in my purse at all times.

  12. You are crazy!!! Whaaaaat? You just had me in fits of laughter. So true though, especially the floating poop part and wanting to crawl out of the house, just imagining that everyone heard you doing your business. LoooLz

  13. Girlfriend,me got the mostest of the MOSTEST, POOP snark of all time. Stage1:total colectomy with a,(or is it an, always stumped on that one).What is that?, you ask? Removal of the entire large intestine, then connecting the small intestine to the rectum. Poop, oh yeah! Like a baby,food enters mouth,poop exits butt.Gas?Dare I not, ever fart, Fart:definition,transmission of rectal/anal flatulence (TRAF, read backwards is FART). AS when I flatulize,poop WILL exit anus.Anus,gross word, but sounds cuter. All of this and didn’t even get to my ileostomy (10 years of,well,not Heaven). Last March, a miracle! No surgeon in my home state would consider reversal. In Arizona, God Bless my doctors, NO MORE POOP BAG! YA, ileostomy is wearing a bag of poop. A real fashion statement!! Got more, another day funny lady.

  14. Hahahahahahaha! This is Hilarious…….love your sense of humor!!

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