Why I Refuse To Buy Bottled Ketchup (And Other Things I’ll Never Buy)

There are a lot of things people do when they grow up. Their taxes, of course. Replacing old mattresses when they get worn. Eat oatmeal. Buy condiments… While I’m completely for replacing that old mattress and making sure Uncle Sam gets his due, I will probably never, ever buy ketchup that comes in the bottle. And oatmeal? Yeah, oatmeal sucks. I won’t be doing that one, either. There are some things that people should buy new from the store (underwear, socks, bathing suits), but why does ketchup need to be one of them. Me? I refuse. I refuse to buy ketchup…and a few other things.

Why I Refuse To Buy Bottled Ketchup (And Other Things I’ll Never Buy)

Okay, that’s not entirely true. Sometimes there’s a specialty ketchup I see on the shelf and I’m like, “Yeah, I’d like to see what peach and tomato ketchup tastes like,” but for the most part I don’t eat enough ketchup to justify spending the $0.89 on the whole bottle. I’m a packet saver. Not all packets. I figured out a long time ago that I’ll never use all that soy sauce and duck sauce and mustard (why the mustard, btw?) that comes with my Chinese food. But, the ketchup they send with my What-A-Burger? Yeah, I save that like there’s going to be some ketchup packet apocalypse and bring it out on rainy days…or when I make meatloaf at home.

Know what else I won’t buy? A new TV. What’s the point? Everything I watch is streaming, and if I’m hanging with Mr. Hotty Pants we can curl up around my laptop on the bed rather than sprawled out on the couch. Think about it…if things get all Netflix and Chilly and we’re already in bed, we just close the laptop and boom. Bang Town, Population: Us.

While we’re at it, DVD’s. I’m not a buyer of DVD’s. Again, everything streams, why spend the $5.00 at the bargain bin at Target when I can easily stream it on my laptop? Plus? I’ve been burned before (well, not me personally, but my parents definitely). Remember Betamax? Yeah, when I was a kid my parents owned about a bazillion Betamax tapes. And what happened? VHS. So they switched over. An entire wall full of them. Then came the DVD revolution. Suddenly all those tapes they’d bought over the years couldn’t even be played on anything. Screw that craziness! Redbox has all the new movies I want to see, and everything else is streamable. I’m not going to spend bunches of money on something that’s going to be outdated in three years. That’s cray-cray.

I’ll always buy new underwear, socks, bathing suits, and shoes…those things are personal. They touch my girly bits and I see no reason to have things touching my girly bits that have touched other people’s girly bits (yes, my feet are girly bits. I have cute-ass feet…I don’t want other people’s weird fungi hanging out around my adorable little piggies). I’ll usually buy new jeans, sweaters, t-shirts (unless I find a cute vintage store), clothing stuff… But when it comes to electronics, or things I just don’t use that often (hello, ketchup, I’m looking right at you), why buy?

Maybe someday I’ll get over that oatmeal hump and eat a healthy breakfast, but just know that if ever we go out to eat together, I’m always going to ask for extra ketchup packets…and I’ll probably steal yours, too.