Skip to Content

Okay, class, say it together with me: global warming is not real! When I was in high school there were all these news reports about how hairspray caused a hole in the ozone layer, but we still have hairspray. Plus, if there was a hole in the ozone don’t you think things would be flying out of it by now? Or into it? I know we’re told to believe scientists and doctors and professionals who study these things for a living, and spend their lives and thousands of hours devoted specifically to studying charts and data, but all of this is just theory. We need to stop freaking out over theories and just admit there are reasons not to believe in global warming.

5 Reasons To Not Believe In Global Warming

1. Your stepmom’s uncle’s college roommate is a junior high science teacher down in Kentucky, and he said so on his Facebook page.

Look, no offense to your stepmom’s uncle’s college roommate, but junior high science isn’t exactly the most in depth study of global climate change out there. If you need someone to show you how to make a volcano out of kitchen ingredients, he’s da man, but maybe don’t read so closely into those memes he posts on Facebook.

2. Winter, hello!

Sure, sure, I can see why snowpocalypses and brutal winters can make you think global warming isn’t a thing, but you’re mixing up ‘climate’ with ‘weather patterns’ and you’re getting it wrong. Winter happens because the earth tilts on its axis. That doesn’t change the fact that the temperatures globally are measuring higher than ever, and continue to do so.

3. The climate is always changing. This is normal.

Noooo, you’re mixing up weather and climate again. Not the same thing. Not even close.

4. This is all theory and theory isn’t real.

Technically gravity is a theory, too, but I don’t see people just flyin’ around. Evolution is a theory. Relativity is a theory. I get that the idea of believing in theories as a rule can be scary, but you should judge theories based on the data that’s been gathered, not on wild conjecture put out there by ‘seekers’ who believe all science is fake. Without theories we wouldn’t have cars, computers, smart phones, or recyclable plastic bottles in which to carry our water.

5. It’s just fear-mongering to keep people from living their lives.

I always want to pat the heads of the people who say this. Poor little darlings. They say it with such conviction! Like, there’s a secret cabal of scientists out there who are rubbing their little sciency hands together and planning ways to make your life miserable. Bill Nye’s probably their leader. That’s why people send him mean tweets. Sure, driving a different car, or relying on public transportation is a tad inconvenient, but not exactly the end of the world. And changing how we eat to keep our global carbon emissions down might cut into your burger consumption, but it isn’t exactly the biggest deal, either.

Like it or not, climate change IS real. Global warming IS real. Telling yourself it isn’t just to sleep better at night doesn’t change the fact that the way we live is negatively affecting the planet around us. But who am I to tell you how to live your life? Oh, yeah, someone who has to live in this planet with you and who believes what we do impacts one another. But sure, if you want to keep living the way you’re living, that’s your prerogative. Just make sure you invest in some serious sunscreen ’cause baby, it’s getting HOT IN HERE.

About The Time I Was Left Unsupervised In A Room With 4-Million Worth Of Cocaine...
← Previous
The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber Alert
Next →