I Am So Bad At Homeschooling I Just Told My Kid A Dinosaur Ate Rosa Parks

Momma lost her shit.

It was bound to happen. The perfect storm was brewing.

Wrestling a teenager to get up before noon.

The 9 year old that has attitude for days just wants to watch Descendants 3 for the 27th time this week. And before you ask, yes Alexa can play all the songs on repeat.

And then there is the 5 year old who just had a mental breakdown because his toast had butter on it.

Do you know what the little shit wanted? He wanted sunshine jelly in the middle of the bread and a ring of strawberry around the edges.

No more Food Network channel for this kid.

And that is all before we start the remote learning process.

Kindergarten task of the day was to read a book about dinosaurs and learn how to retell facts using pictures and toys. OK sounds simple enough.

Third grade was learning about Rosa Parks and writing an essay including supporting sentences.

I got a supporting sentence for you. Support your mom by bringing me a pina colada and don’t interrupt her marathon of Ozark.

Oh and the high school project was to wire a circuit so that the little light shines at different brightness levels as you move the wires.

Just let me touch the wires together and end this insanity!

I broke out into a chorus of The Little Light of Mine in hopes of bringing Jesus in to take the wheel.

I am bombarded with questions.

No I don’t know where all the poop from those huge dinosaurs go.

No I don’t know how to drive a bus.

No I don’t know why your teacher gave you extra wires but I am pretty sure you cannot put them in your new friendship bracelet.

Then the pleading comes.

Please stop drawing huge piles of poop for your homework.

Please stop beginning each of your sentences with “if my mom drove the bus.”

Please stop sneaking away to do tik tok videos.

We all needed the lunch break.

Kids were complaining and I was going to have to dump out my piggy bank to keep putting money in the swear jar.

Fruit punch for them and wine cooler for me.

Don’t judge. It is the only thing I look forward to during this chaotic day.

After lunch is math time for all.

Kindergarten is decomposing numbers to create equations.

Are you serious right now? Can I just focus on getting him to use a tissue instead of hiding his boogers under his pillow?

Third grade is money counting. We ain’t got any. Next.

High School is graphing those damn equations.

I love my child, but who are we kidding, she isn’t going to NASA and I do not see where she will ever use these made up numbers or care where they intersect on a made up timeline.

Next is creative play time. That is how we end the day today.

Brian with his dinosaurs.

Allison with her dolls.

Haylie on TikTok doing a dance that has me questioning if a pole is in her future career endeavors. Make a note to take down her videos.

I realize I never got my shower. Not even sure if I put deodorant on today.

I lift my arm to take a whiff. WTF.

These kids let me smell like this all day?

I flipped.

I started talking in tongues. Jesus didn’t take the wheel, but something did.

The kids just stood there looking at one another.

I tell the kids to let their toys lay and they can go outside.

Husband comes home and sees the absolute chaos on the floor.

“What the hell happened here?” Did he really just give me sass?

I explained the barbie bus was overturned because T-Rex ate Rosa Parks and as punishment he was put to death in the electric chair made out of Legos and a circuit board. Duh.