It’s All In My Head, I Think

There are a lot of people out there that have been a lot of different shapes and sizes, but if you’re someone who has gone from super morbidly obese all the way to a healthy weight, then you know what I mean. Because food is weird. When I woke up from surgery and I hadn’t eaten any food in the week before and knew I wasn’t going to eat any for the next few weeks, and all the commercials were food commercials, that’s when I first got a glimpse of it– that there was something, not just in my stomach triggering these feelings, but in my actual brain.

I don’t know if I will ever heal my relationship with food. If I am being honest, I am not so great at relationships with anything, but I think I did have to really spend a big part of my life dedicated to the food relationship, because if I hadn’t, then the surgery was a waste of time, money, and effort. I sacrificed a lot to lose over 200 lbs, and I would do it again.

The first thing a friend who had done the surgery said to me was, “This doesn’t work if you don’t get right in the head,” and I remembered thinking about how truly screwed I was if that was the case. That’s a part of the surgery, by the way, you undergo a whole psychic evaluation before you’re ever allowed to do it.

Masking. Hot.

Okay, so it’s probably a lot more than that, but it is a big deal because changing how you look doesn’t change who you are, but it really does change how people perceive you. Or, to be perfectly honest, sometimes it is the difference between them seeing you at all.

There was something to that invisible size though. It’s hard, because it’s not like hot pink hair and fun outfits are new to me.

It’s just that when I do them now, I show my face.

All this to say– honestly food is a weird thing that I don’t think I will ever fully understand, but I think the fact that I keep trying counts for something, and that’s how I am doing it all from now on.

Cool?