Waking up happy is a thing

I’m happy. 

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a ton of stuff I need to do, and plenty of important things still need to get done or whatever, but the thing about it is, for the first time, I am waking up happy.

It’s weird, because when you’re in the abusive situation, you just look for little glimpses of happy here and there. Most of the time you’re just scared. 

I didn’t realize how scared I was until I wasn’t.

I think that’s the body’s thing though. Because, you can only take so much, right? Once fear gets too big, you can’t really control it or whatever, right? 

It’s sort of like how when I read The Lord of The Rings, the orcs weren’t that scary, but then I went to see the movie and they were scary beyond my wildest imagination, and when I went back and reread their description after seeing the movie, they were crazy accurate.

I guess that’s why it’s beyond our imagination, because my imagination is protecting me.

I think it’s kind of cool our bodies have those super powers, but it makes it really hard to wake up when we’ve buried our heads in the sand, or at least it did for me.

That’s the thing about being happy, I feel like because I didn’t choose to get out of the situation, but instead he was hauled off in handcuffs, that I don’t deserve the happy that comes after leaving that situation

But it’s time to give that up, because even though now I would never ever considering going back, there were times where he did some really terrible things to me and I stuck around. Not going back, but more importantly not even thinking about maybe even wanting to go back feels like the real victory, because that means there is no part of me that is prisoner to whatever the heck my marriage of ten years even was.

And so, I am done with feeling guilty about my new baseline being happy.

It feels really, really good.