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I never got to full-on be a mom. After years of trying to get pregnant, my first and only pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and after even more years of trying, it never quite worked out. This time of year, especially, is difficult for me. I realize in my heart that Mother’s Day is literally just a day, but for someone who wants to be a mother with every fiber of her being, the lead-up to, and then day itself, can be especially painful. If you’re struggling with fertility and frustrated and sad right now, you’re not alone.
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I am a mom, of sorts. Even with no biological kids of my own, I still help take care of my roommate’s daughter (and have for four years now), and I spend a great deal of time ooing and cooing over all the other babies and kiddo’s in my life.
It isn’t the same.
I get that it isn’t the same.
Being a mom is a full-time job.
You wake up and you’re a mom.
You try to take a shower and a tiny voice is crying outside of the bathroom door.
There are never enough socks or shoes to match all the little feet.
I know that what I do isn’t the same, but since it’s all I have for now (someday I’ll either become a foster mom or adopt), I embrace it with every fiber of my being.
There are ‘almost-mom’s’ who don’t even have as much as me, though, and for them this day can be even worse.
Yes, it’s a greeting card holiday. Yes, it can be a pain in the neck for mom because she ends up having to do all the clean-up, or things just don’t go well. Yes, it’s one of the big things someone who desperately wants kids wants to experience.
So here’s my plan, and I’m hoping it’ll help some of you, too:
1. Since I already know it’s going to be an emotionally charged day, I’m planning to avoid places where moms will be. So no going out to eat. Instead, I’ll pick out a nice piece of salmon and make myself a delicious dinner at home.
2. I might go to a movie. But instead of the kind I normally love – the ones that always make me cry – I’m going to find something action-packed and loud. Something that’ll draw me in, but definitely won’t bring any tears.
3. I’m going to lavish my own mom with all the love I can muster. All the love. Because as sad as I am about me, I know this is still HER day and I want to reassure her that my own issues are nothing to do with her. She is amazing and deserves all the love.
4. Once I’m home from the movie, I’ll do something super girly and fun for just me. Maybe I’ll dye my hair. Maybe I’ll pick out some new make-up. Or some amazingly way-too-expensive bath bomb. Whatever it is, it’ll be taking care of me.
So that’s the game plan. Yes, I know this day can still be really difficult. But last year I spent the day in bed sobbing and there is no WAY I want to do that again. I will have kids someday. And we will do it up in style then. But until then, I’m going to remember that since I’m a mother to kids who aren’t here yet, I have to be the one to take care of myself.