Did my brain finally break?

Early Monday morning, I had mediation with my soon-to-be ex-husband, who is currently in jail for strangling me.

I don’t know if you’ve ever woken up, gotten dressed, and then walked into your lawyer’s office just to sit on a Zoom call with a man who is both capable of and actively wants to kill you, but 0/10—would not recommend.

I think it might have been too much for me, though. Like, is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Because, to be honest, I don’t think I’ve completed a full thought since I left that office.

It’s like my brain starts to think about something, and before I can even fully grasp it, the thought just… trails off. Completely unfinished. It’s weird.

I didn’t even know if I’d be able to write today. But for some reason, writing doesn’t seem to exist in the same part of my brain as the thoughts that are spiraling out of control. When I write, it’s like that front part of my brain—the part that thinks a million miles a minute—goes quiet. The words come from somewhere else.

And this is where I start to wonder if I’ve finally cracked. Because, logically, that doesn’t even make sense, right? We can’t actually feel where different thoughts come from in our brain.

So now I have questions. See? I told you—I’m pretty sure that was just too much for my brain to handle on Monday. These are the kinds of thoughts consuming me now. Except… they’re not consuming me at all, because I start to think them, and then I trail off.

“Trail off” is honestly the perfect way to describe what’s happening in my head. I don’t know how to get back. It’s like my nervous system just noped out. I spent most of the afternoon with a stomachache, then took a nap until it went away.

And the thing is, I’m not one to complain. I don’t dwell on what I’m feeling—or even what I’m not feeling. I’m usually the one listening to other people complain and coming up with fixes for them.

But am I all out of fixes?

What happens next?

That’s been the question on my mind for so very long, and honestly, I still don’t know the answer. What I do know is that I don’t want my stomach to hurt anymore. I’m over my nervous system being overwhelmed. And I think it’s going to take a lot of retraining to fix it.

Bruh, I am in my mid-forties. I am tired.