Fun fact about being choked to the point of passing out

I had my first solo outing to anywhere other than the courthouse today. Everything was good until we got to the end of my pedicure and the nail tech says to me, “Fun fact: being choked to the point of passing out causes bruises around the eyes and in the mouth and inside the nose.”

And I stopped dead in my tracks. Because this means she knows. Not only does she know my story, and she’s the first one to point out to me in real life that she knew it— that’s something I’m going to have to prepare myself for if I’m going to start shouting about this as loud as I have been— but her knowing the things about the weird bruising means she was trying to tell me without telling me, she’s been there.

Was it the most awkward way to say it? Who cares? If you know this, it’s because, a few hours after you woke up you were sitting somewhere when you noticed yourself in the mirror.

He didn’t punch me in the eyes did he? I mean I don’t know there was a lot happening there at the end…

And I asked the nurse, “what’s happening on my nose and around my eyes? It looks like mascara or something?”

Weird. I never wear mascara, but I had that evening. Wow was it really that good after all that crying?

“That’s Pa-tiki. It happens to strangulation victims. It’s a sign of….” And I immediately imagined that the reason that whatever this face rash’s name was because I looked like a tiki mask with the dark eyes for holes.

I looked it up later.

That isn’t at all the case, just fyi: in case you’re like accidentally here because you have a paper due for school or whatever, here’s what I learned about Petechiae:

But the thing is, what I didn’t learn about was what no screenshot could prepare me for— the trauma of looking in the mirror and realizing I have it. And knowing it happened because all the blood vessels just popped in pressure. And remembering each moment. The way it felt. The various different pops inside your body for the different levels of bruising.

Another thing the I didn’t learn about when I googled it was just how vulnerable you feel when they start to look under your tongue, inside the sides of your eyes, (this one is super gross. If you’ve ever thrown up and gotten a big red hemorrhage in your eyes, that’s what it looks like all around the edges), and it’s even inside your ears.

The whole thing is hard. Talking to the nurses and the police and telling your story over and over again.

But when the forensic nurse comes and gets you and takes you back to the calm, secret section of the hospital that’s guarded by security around every door and it takes a secret badge to get into, that’s the first time things are quiet. That’s the moment when they start measuring fingerprints on your neck and taking photos with special macro lenses and holding up rulers to your bruises. 9 centimeters. That was size of my largest one. I don’t know why I remember that.

Here’s the thing about what I’m doing here. If someone sees me, and I am being super open and honest about everything I am going through then I might be a trigger.

That’s a responsibility I’m going to have to bare. And it’s my responsibility to learn how to deal with that really quickly, because if my DM’s and my first solo outing are any indication of the next few weeks, that’s going to be something I’m on the receiving end of more often than not.

They might get really excited to tell me that they, too know about the god Pa-tiki and how he visited them on a cold dark night.