I owe you a huge apology

Whew. I didn’t know the second I started typing this the waterworks would come, but here they are. This. This is my apology to all of you that I’ve deceived, lied to, tricked, manipulated, or just kept this secret from in any way shape or form.

I don’t know why I thought he’d never actually try to kill me. Right now, in this moment, a solid week after he did, I know that he did. And I know now that he would do it again. When he strangled me, the air left my body so quickly. There was such a rush that several of the vessels in my eyes and all around them popped. I even had marks inside my ears.

You can die so fast. And, if I’d just told you guys the truth, if I’d just been honest, and told you what I was going through, not only would I not be in this situation, but I would haven’t been such a liar.

That part sucks. The guilt there. I don’t know if I will ever get over that.

There are some of you that know pieces. Here and there. Some of you even know just enough of all this awful mess I’ve been going through that it felt like I’d told you the whole story. That there was no way there was more than that.

There was always more, and I always kept the worst details from all of you. I am so sorry.

I don’t have an excuse. Was I scared? Yes. But I am a perfectly capable woman that could have gotten out of this? Did I think I could fix it? Yeah. I am such a fixer. I spent months and months in therapy just to get to the point that I could actually stand there and say some of the things that needed to be said that day in court.

When I tried, when I called the cops on Monday when he broke my phone, and they sent me out of the apartment for the night and treated me like I was the crazy one…. I just. I don’t know how to feel about that.

I don’t know how to keep standing up, and basically just hoping that people believe me when I’ve been so convincingly lying to them all these years. How do they trust me to tell the truth now?

How do I keep using my voice when I’ve been keeping this secret for so long?

How do you believe me when I lied to you already? How do I believe myself?

This… is a lot.

I love you. I am sorry.