So, I figured out what I want to be when I grow up.

As most of you know, I have been at home these past few years with my daughter.  But, before that I was a kindergarten teacher.  I loved my job, I mean, like actually loved it.  It game me a purpose and was hopeful and fun.

I didn’t pick this job though.  It sort of fell in my lap.  In fact, if you had ever told me I would spend my life teaching school there is a chance I would have laughed in your face.  A school teacher is a pretty selfless job, and I am a pretty selfish person.  But, the kids made the job worth it, and honestly, I really didn’t know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, so it worked out pretty well.  I was lucky because I was one of the few people who really loved my job.

Then, we had our daughter.  It became pretty clear to me that there was no way I could let anyone else raise my kid, so I quit my job and have been at home with her the last three years.

Now, I hate being a housewife.  I mean like I hate it more than you could ever imagine.  I don’t like chores, I hate the mundane boringnes and everyday tedium.  It just isn’t for me.  That being said, I love being a stay at home mom.  I love spending time with my kid, getting the extra snuggles on the couch, watching her play in the park and all that other stuff.  It’s even better than being a school teacher.  It’s kind of like the reason I exist on this earth is to be her mom, and honestly I am okay with that, because all I want in life is for her to be happy and healthy.

So, she is doing preschool now three days a week which leaves me with a load of free time.  If I liked the whole housewife gig more, I would spend more time organizing my crap and doing whatever other boring stuff housewives are supposed to enjoy doing.  But, um dude… I still hate that stuff, so no thanks.  Like I said earlier, I am wicked selfish, so the idea of beating myself down with all this other crap just doesn’t really appeal to me in the least.

So, now I sit here in limbo… I have some big choices to make.  My kid is growing up, and it is kind of silly to think it would be in her best interest for me to sit around here being bored when I she won’t even be here for me to watch her and stuff… Next year, she could go into a full day sort of preschool program, and it wouldn’t be bad for her at all.  In fact, I know good and well that it would probably benefit her and make the transition into kindergarten that much easier. So… what do I do?

I could back to teaching kindergarten.  That was fun, and the kids were really cute.  I actually enjoyed it a lot, and I could be perfectly happy doing that for the rest of my life as my career.  I was good at it, and I know that it gives me personal satisfaction.  So, this seems to be the best, and easiest option.

But, there is something holding me back… something that tells me I am supposed to do something else with my life, and I think I have actually figured it out.  I want to write a book.  Like an actual for real book with characters and plot and all that stuff.  I want to be a writer, I mean, isn’t that what my degree is actually in?  I went to college, and I gravitated to the English classes.  In fact, I walked into my advisor’s office and sat down and said to her “I have no idea what I want to major in, and I should like be graduating in a a year.”

She just looked up at me and said, “Honey, you almost have enough credits to have a degree in English Literature, have you just been taking these classes for fun?  I assumed it was because you already knew that you wanted that degree.”

I remember laughing at her and being shocked that I had picked out my degree without even knowing it.  I went with it though, took the half semester or so that I needed to graduate with my Lit degree, and then kind of stepped out into the real world not knowing what I wanted to do.

A friend of mine helped me gravitate towards teaching and I will be forever greatful to her because I think teaching has made me the person I am today.  In fact, if I had to go back and do it all over again, I think I would do everything exactly the same.  But, now I am not so sure that is what I want to do.  I have started this book, and I am in love with it.  I have showed it to a couple of people, and they think it is pretty good too, although I can never be totally sure what people think, because anyone I am willing to show it to is someone close enough to me that they wouldn’t want to hurt my feelings, so I don’t know…

… see the thing is this… I am SO not a risk taker.  I always follow the well traveled road, and it had worked out pretty well for me in the past.  Things just seem to fall in place for me, and honestly I have never had to work hard for anything pretty much ever.  I like this easy life, but what if it is time for me to take a risk?  That is really scary?  I don’t do well with rejection, and I am scared this won’t work out the way I hoped it will.  What if no one wants to read my book?  How do you even get a book published?  Is my book worthy of getting published?  Do my characters really matter to people who aren’t in my family?  Is my family just being polite?

Ugh, I am at such a crossroads here… how do I know which path is the right one to take?