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So this morning I log onto Facebook and basically every other post is someone super stoked about the Ta-Ta Towel. I click on link after link and I’m like, “WTF?” Like, if your boob sweat needs its own towel, do you maybe think you should talk to your doctor about that? Seriously, the Ta-Ta Towel is here, and I’m – I’m dead.

The Ta-Ta Towel Is Here, And I’m – I’m Dead

I mean, I’m not judging if your jugs are creating pools of moistness in your normal bra, but from some of the pictures I’m seeing, women are wearing this in ways I just don’t want to see. Like, lemme be judgy-judgy for just a moment here if you will: I live on a crowded street. The woman next to me is a wee bit elderly and her melons are a wee bit on the overly ripe side, if you catch my meaning. Every morning she goes out in her shorts and a t-shirt and waters the flowers in front of her house. I wave good morning. She waves back. She is obvi not wearing a bra and those suckers are just a-swingin’ in the wind. Cool, cool. You do you, lady.

But now this same woman decides to order a ta-ta towel. All the sudden my sweet granny next door who normally keeps her cans covered in a mostly not-see-through t-shirt is wearing a ta-ta-towel and a big ol’ smile. I – how am I supposed to cope with that?

Like I said, I needed a minute to be judgy about this.

Think about it, though: yes, there will be people who buy this towel for right after the shower and wear it in their living room while the girls air-dry. There will be those who are bold enough to maybe step out on the back porch and drink a cup of coffee whilst their hair and boobs dry post-shower.

THEN…there will be those who wear those ta-ta towels to Wal-Mart, because you’ve GOT to know that’s gonna be a thing. And I’m not prepared for that.

Sure, sure, I’m a feminist, blah blah, whatever. Women should do whatever they want with their bodies, their bodies are not for the entertainment of the masses…I know our spiel.

I also know there are going to be a lot of wardrobe malfunctions if women start wearing these in public. And. They. Will.

YOU KNOW THEY WILL.

WE ALL KNOW THEY WILL.

Remember the shake weight? It’s real, it’s a legit piece of exercise equipment. There is no way to use it without looking a bit sexual. Also, the fact that they made the white shake weight smaller than the black shake weight is just – you know they knew what they were doing when they did that.

Well, the ta-ta towel is going to be that times about a BILLION. Because people will be wearing it on their bodies. Boobies just flopping around ready to pop out at any second. We’re not talking about twenty-something’s at the beach, either. Nooo…we’re talking about people my age – and older – and there will be no stopping them because technically it’s enough like clothing that they are ‘covered’.

And what’s next? The testi-towel? Old men strapping their figs into a hammock to keep the ball sweat at bay?

Full-moon-towel? It’s like a thong, but super absorbent!

We’ve always wondered what would end the world? It’s this. This is the end, folks. Probably not the end the end, but there’s no turning back from here.

Also, since I don’t want to be the only one with sweaty-ass under boob, I bought one, too!