Why My Candy (and yours) Will Never See Halloween

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Every year I go through the same thing…and so do you. Here’s the 100% honest reason why my candy (and yours) will never see Halloween.

We do this every year, but the truth is - my candy, and yours, will never actually make it to Halloween. Click Now.

Why do we do it to ourselves—give in to the temptation of buying those delectable bite-size bits over-flowing on store shelves weeks before Halloween? We know the baby Butterfingers aren’t for Trick or Treaters. Anyone touches them – grounds to shank a bitch.


You also know that heavenly stash of Milky Way minis are not of this world and will never see the light of the next sun, much less the dark of All Hallows Eve.

Milky Way

And did you really need to buy ALL those Costco-size bags?
Who does that?

fun size packs
I do.

how do I eat my reeses
And probably you do, too.

It’s the “fun size” that trips me up.


I think, no harm done if I just have one teeeeny-tiiiny little bar.

halloween is near

But those little morsels of edible evil come straight from the bowels of hell.  Do you know how many calories are in one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup? 87. 80 in a fun size Snickers.


But does that suck the joy right out of eating them? Not a single bit.


It’s impossible to have just one mini bar. Especially when you’re binge-watching Vampire Diaries on Netflix. Before you know it Elena’s been turned

elena gif

and you’ve stress eaten a bag-and-a-half of these.

candy corn
Candy Corn. Guilt free eating, not because of the calories, but because no one else will bust your balls for eating all the good stuff.

Candy corn-Razor Blade

And then there are the parties.

dress like a whore

There are more candy cocktail concoctions than a Krackle has crispies.


So eat that candy by the handful.

mom likes chocolate

Or suck it through a straw.

skittles cocktail

Just remember that in two short months you’ll be able to make that New Year’s Resolution and Lose. It. All!

gym resolution

Or not.

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