I Hired Alexa To Homeschool My Kids But Then Fired Her

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I am not a teacher. I just play one during the lock down.

The first day of schooling at home, I had the brilliant idea of enlisting the help of Alexa. I was quite impressed with myself on this one.

If she could run gym class for me then I could get one of the many snacks and meals ready for the day. Am I the only parent that didn’t realize it takes 5000 calories to complete word problems?

I made the mistake of moving lunch back half an hour from their school lunch time and they turned on me. The kids in Children of the Corn looked cuter than these faces staring at me.

They resembled patient zero in a zombie apocalypse. Instead of yelling for brains they were creeping on me begging for chicken nuggets.

Alexa to the rescue.

Did you know you can ask her to do Animal Workout? She will have your kids doing a full gym session in no time.

Your little animals can pretend to be other animals. Giving you time to make sandwiches in the shape of Pac-Man.

You know because someone on TV, that has no children, said that extra touch imprints on the child’s mind. I have to stop watching TV.

Dad comes home and asks how school went. No mention of those Pac-Mac sandwiches that had their favorite color M&M as the eye.

But you know what did get mentioned? “Daddy, Alexa was our gym teacher today! It was awesome!” Those little brats.

Alexa can help with spelling words. Check math problems.

You know those ones we all love that ask if one train is heading west at 80 MPH and another is heading east at 65 MPH and they meet in San Diego, what color shoes in the girl in the third row wearing?

Yeah Alexa will send a website to your phone to show you the work. Show off.

Oh and she knows ALL the capitols and reads stories as the kids watch them on the Kindle.

And the kids can ask her anything. Oh yes my children have learned how to have Alexa send me recipes to my phone.

And she doesn’t just send any chocolate cake recipe. No she sends the three hour Belgian chocolate with ganache and sugared raspberries.

For art class they were to draw a picture of their classroom at home. The third grader actually drew Alexa in the picture! No mommy stick figure anywhere to be seen.

You know what I drew? A picture of three kids that won’t be getting their fish sticks served with blue applesauce to represent the ocean today.

Alexa started off as my assistant.

Now she is the cool teacher and I am just the lunch lady that burnt the grilled cheese!

So now my butt is staying up late to memorize Dr. Seuss for the kindergartner.

Learning 50 capitols for the 3rd grader. I forgot North Dakota was even a state. Like do people live there?

I bet Alexa knows the population.

The high schooler is having issues in Spanish. I took Latin, I can’t even pretend that was a good idea. So you know I am now researching all coupon codes for Rosetta Stone.

Just one week ago I could ask Alexa to play my favorites and jam out while doing the dishes. Now I ask for my favorites and out comes a mix of teen drama hits and Kidz Bops.

Forty. There are forty Kidz Bops albums in case you are wondering.

It’s like the munchkins from Oz decided to put out a pop album.

New day. Bring it. I am like a contestant on Jeopardy ready to hit that button. Today is brought to you by the letter R, for Red Bull.

I have sugar cookies with state names to match cookies with state capitols on them. Top that Alexa.

The little one, without even thinking about, it mentions how it would be cooler if the cookies were the shape of the actual states.

The next thing I hear is Alexa. “State shaped cookie cutters are on sale for $19.99. Say yes to order them.”

This witch needs to learn her place. Who is assisting who here?

I want to print out a picture of her just to scratch her out like we did back in my high school years. She would so not be signing my yearbook.

That night I decide tomorrow is old school. Pen and paper and real books.

I will break out an abacus before I am asking Miss High and Mighty for any help.

Day 4. Alexa is unplugged. Kids are living off of pop tarts and lunchables.

Radio hits from the 90’s playing and I can actually understand every word. Except that song Informer by Snow.

Informer da duh da duh da da da licky boom boom down.

Life is good.

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