Dear Future Boss Of My Child, I’m So Sorry

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Dear Poor Soul Hiring My Child, I’m so sorry.

I did not pay attention to how he was being taught.

Apparently whenever he had to focus on a task for more than 30 seconds in school he was allowed to get up and walk around.

He could do a little dance, sing a song, play with fidget spinners and cry to one of the many stuffed animals provided as an intro to support animals.

How does that work in the real world? Oh sorry pilot I know you have to land the plane but tower control is taking a lap with Mr. Snuggles.

So, if you give him a deadline good luck with that.

Make sure to allow for snack breaks. If your cafeteria isn’t already offering vegan-gluten free-low carb-high protein options, you might want to look into it.

You may also want to redesign the lunch room to include bean bag chairs and a variety of plush toys.

If he has to take inventory of anything be prepared for that to be a whole day event.

Yes. One shelf will be all day.

I completely understand that if you had 167 items last month and now you have 47, you used 120. Yes I know that should be simple.

You see, my kid uses common core math.

He will need to use an estimating time line, a grid, and 20 minutes to come to the same answer.

Plain paper will not suffice. Bullet journal inserts with 57 colored felt pens in needle point will need to be ordered promptly.

If you even mention doing it in your head there will be a meltdown and he will need a mental health day.

For your own sanity do NOT let him answer the phone.

He will pick it up and not say a word. No matter what your client asks, my child will only answer in one word sentences.

I am still waiting for him to tell me what my mother wanted from two days ago. She isn’t taking my calls which tells me it was important.

You can try to ask him to change but he will just stomp away mumbling how you are not appreciating his feelings.

If you have any type of award system in place, stop it now.

They all expect an award for everything.

If Johnny in the next cubical gets a certificate, you better have hit the multiple copy button on that baby because this generation will descend upon you like wolves.

They put EVERYTHING on social media. And I do mean everything.

Wanna know what your child really thought of family night. Check their latest post or Tik Tok.

If you have company secrets, kiss those suckers goodbye.

Not sure if my kid is really sick? Look at his Instagram.

You will know hourly where he is and the color of his phlegm.

Please respond with your favorite wine or type of chocolate. I will send a monthly survival box.

When I had to home school him my only saving grace was Strawberry Zinfandel and Cadbury Eggs.


An Apologetic Mom

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