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So I’ve always been someone who looks out for other people, especially people I care about. But lately, I’ve been greeted with a heck of a lot of ingratitude when it comes to things my friends have told me. It’s not that I’m trying to run their lives, or tell them what to do, but I’ve always felt like if I know milk has turned bad, I should say something.
Lately, though, my friends have all wanted to drink the milk themselves. And maybe I should let them. Maybe in my looking out for them, I’m actually preventing them from learning life lessons on their own. And if that’s the case, than I’ve been doing a cruddy job as a friend. So, if my friends want me to step back and let them live their lives, by all means. I will be the most supportive person they’ve ever seen…I’ll even wave goodbye as they take that step off the side of the cliff.
Until then, here’s some of the things I’ve advised my friends about that you might want to look out for, too…
1. Don’t give your bank account information to people you meet online. I think that one should go without saying, but what do I know?
2. If your car is smoking, it might be smart to get it checked before you take a 300 mile road trip. Then again, maybe you love being stranded on the side of the road!
3. When someone’s trying to sell you something in the parking lot of Walmart and they only want you to use your credit card, perhaps you should walk away…
4. Speaking of sales, don’t believe everything the salespeople in stores tell you about, “No fees!” There are almost always fees. Read the papers before you sign up.
5. While I won’t judge you for responding to the ad online for someone wanting to pay you to date you, it does kind of sound prostituty…so maybe watch out for that.
6. Oh, and no, I don’t want to date the guy you just found for me who got out of prison two weeks ago…I don’t think his swastika tattoo is going to mesh well with my Bern, Baby, Bern vibe.
7. I think it’s fine that you want to talk to your exes, but maybe remember they were exes for a reason before you come to me about every single one of them and tell me they haven’t changed a bit.
8. Just because the advertisement for a diet pill on television says it’s a miracle drug, doesn’t mean it is. Not that I blame you for looking, but most miracles aren’t sold for $19.95.
9. If you’ve been inviting dogs into your bed for months, please don’t be surprised (or complain to me) when you get fleas…literally and figuratively.
10. That guy advertising for a ‘sexy personal assistant’ online probably wants you for more than your Microsoft skills. So maybe check out a temp agency instead…unless you’re into that.
That’s all for now. And despite how judgy this makes me seem, or how naive it makes my friends sound, I really do love all of them. I just don’t understand them sometimes. I mean, we do all make bad choices, but perhaps they could spread theirs out a bit so I can take a break from being the bearer of bad news every once in a while? That’d be swell…