It’s Christmas time, and that means there’s an all new list of Oprah’s Favorite things for 2015. I have always loved Oprah’s Favorite Things in the past, but this year– This year I don’t really know what to think. I mean, she was the reason I tried Philosophy When Hope is Not Enough Moisturizer all those years ago, and I still use it every day. But a fur collar for my dog? Who am I Cruella DeVille?
What is nice about this year’s list is that you can get it all on Amazon. Which, for me is huge since that’s the only place I shop. (They didn’t pay me to say that or anything, it’s just the truth.)
Oprah’s Favorite Things 2015
1. Let’s start with this grill. I’ve heard of a smartphone– here’s a smart grill? This is a thing? This grill adapts cooking time with the thickness of my meat. I feel like this grill already knows too much about me… and the thickness of my meat.
2. Uggs. Oprah, seriously? Uggs are on your favorite things list? Uggs shouldn’t be on anyone’s favorite list, except maybe Han Solo.
3. A Workout Shirt. A workout shirt? that makes me look like a character rom the Nightmare Before Christmas? Also, who wrote this copy? Shlumpadink? That is not a word it sounds like a character only Big Bird can see when he’s hallucinating on Sesame Street.
4. Oh look, it has matching pants…
5. The Amazon Echo. Okay, you know what? Honestly the only way anyone is actually going to get one of these is if it’s a Christmas present, because I have been trying to justify buying one of these for a month or two, and I just can’t bring myself to do it.
6. Oprah’s very own meditation Kit. Obvious product placement is obvious. Come on Oprah, this is supposed to be about cool stuff I need to try… not about you selling me a CD of your soothing voice.
7. My very own pasta maker. Almost three hundred dollars for me to make my own pasta? For that price I could eat at my local Italian joint once a week for the whole year.
8. Up by Jawbone fitness tracker. You know what? I have one of these. I love it. It’s awesome.
9. Barbie Fashionistas. These are just Barbies. Nothing special about them at all. I have no idea how they made it onto this list.
10. Nespresso Coffee Machine. This is the sort of thing you used to see on Oprah’s old lists. Something quirky, and kitschy that would actually make a good gift for the coffee drinker in your life. Somebody get me this for Christmas.
11. Steak. I– what? I can buy steak on Amazon?
12. Lip Gloss Set. These are pretty, they’re already sold out and it’s not even December yet, but they’re pretty. Also, note that Oprah has an eyebrow guru. How do I get an eyebrow guru?
13. Jalapeno Jam. So, I am from Texas– I know Jalapeno jam is amazeballs, but there’s no way I am mixing Jalapeno and Huckleberry or Strawberry. Nope. Not Happening.
14. A Canteen. I can put a whole bottle of wine in this and it stays cold forever? I think this is on my favorite things list, too.
15. Oprah Hoodie. So, this is just a hoodie. Why on earth would this be on this list? Did they have a bunch in a warehouse somewhere they needed to clear out?
16. Hot Sauce. I always get a weird amount of hot sauce for Christmas. I have no idea why, I don’t even really like hot sauce all that much. So, I will probably get some of this year. Thank you for the hot sauce.
17. Dog ornament. This is a 20 dollar ornament. Of a dog. Nobody wants this. Don’t order it. If you were about to buy this, take it out of your cart and get them a gift card instead. Your gift giving privileges have been revoked.
18. Pasta sauce. This is over forty dollars for two cans of ragu. I can’t. I just can’t.
19. Punny yoga nightgown. What is this? The part of the list where they think nobody is actually reading it, so they throw things like a SEVENTY DOLLAR T-SHIRT NIGHTGOWN? I think you can pick these up like five for ten bucks at Walmart, y’all.
20. Knife Block. These knives are super pretty, and I’d totally use them. My dad always says you can’t go wrong with giving someone knives for Christmas. (It sounds way less serial killer when he says it.)
21. Wireless headphones. So, I have wired beats, and I love them– but how would I ever keep up with these? Has anybody tried them? Do they come in pink?
22. Stripey pajamas. Because sometimes you want to dress your family up like Waldo and take family pictures. Right?
23. Panfortes. This is one of those things that you give to a hostess, and they’re like, “Oh thanks. I have ALWAYS wanted these.” But really they are thinking, “Next time just give me wine.”
24. More punny night shirts. Didn’t we already do these? Come on, Oprah. We can see recommended items on Amazon, too.
25. An instant printer. Don’t all printers do this now? What makes these so special?
26. Yummy smelly bath stuff. Now THIS is what Oprah’s list is about. Yes, please.
27. Gloves. Really? What is special about these gloves? That you can use your phone with them? That’s pretty much the same as any other gloves you can buy… anywhere.
28. Apple Watch. You know what? I have an apple watch, I totally bought into the hype, and I can’t figure out what to do with it. I mean, it tells time, so there’s that.
29. Ketchup. Thirty dollars. For Ketchup. Really?
30. Antler Beanie. There we go! My dog totally needs this. Doesn’t she?
31. Books. These are like, classics all prettied up. I guess if that’s something you are into, then this is an okay gift. For Two hundred bucks, though… I’d rather read them on my Kindle.
32. Kitchen Scales. I dunno, I don’t really like getting kitchen appliances for Christmas. Maybe I am in the minority?
33. More punny seventy dollar nightgowns. Sigh.
34. Crab cakes. so you can order steak AND crab cakes on Amazon. What rock have I been living under?
35. Scarf. YOU GUYS! OBLIGATORY GAYLE MENTION. Yessssss.
36. Oprah Tea. Of course Oprah has her own tea. Why would I ever think she didn’t?
37. The cutest boots I have ever seen. The only bad thing about these is that they don’t come in my size.
38. Brightly colored wallet. Because Oprah is all about those bright colors. They make us all seem SO happy!
39. Pots and Pans. You guys, these pans have healthy vapor cooking. Which is… a thing.
40. Sacrificial golden chocolate icons. Blah Blah Blah, something something, golden cow Bible story, blah blah.
41. Crazy animal plates. Look, if someone doesn’t get me these for my kitchen, I will be heartbroken forever. In fact, I want this entire set of dishes. I need these to be my fancy China. I am making it happen, and there is nothing you can do about it.
42. The Bruffin. It’s like a Brioche/Muffin cross. I don’t really know what a Brioche is, but I’d eat this.
43. O Magazine Subscription. Well, I haven’t had a magazine subscription since 2008, so I don’t think I will be needing this any time soon.
44. Box of Flowers. Well, I guess someone would like this. Not me, but someone.
45. Obligatory Jewish Manorah bread. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA penis HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
46. Letters to My… These are cute, thoughtful, well priced, and a perfect gift for lots of people on your list.
47. Doggie fur coat. Because dogs don’t already have fur… wait, nope– that officially makes this the most useless gift on this whole list.
48. Hair system experience. That’s a fancy term for shampoo, y’all. It’s shampoo.
49. More overpriced books. Come on! Books were meant to be read, nobody is going to read books that cost this much. Their whole goal is to sit there and look pretty. I can’t get behind this. I just can’t.
50. Fuzzy keychain balls. I don’t know what’s weirder about these, that they’re keychain balls, or that they don’t come in all the letters. That makes me BONKRS. (Get it?! It’s like if they didn’t have an E!)
51. Foot scrub. This foot scrub is eighty-seven dollars. For eighty-seven dollars, it better turn my foot into a baby’s butt.
52. Black silverware. Eew! NO! That’s just weird. Although it would look really chic with my bird’s head dishes up there. Also, if it’s black and not silver, does that make it blackware? And, is that racist?
53. Weekend Bag. This bag looks like skin. Skin that is ribbed, for my pleasure.
54. Mason jar herbs. Get this for your Pinterest obsessed friend, although, she’s probably too busy repinnning stuff to have time to actually use the jars, so, there’s that.
55. Truffle oils. Oprah is all like “Hey, you can put this on your popcorn.” And I am just like, “Oh yeah, Oprah, because I am a baller who eats fancy popcorn. Shut up, Oprah.”
56. Pie. Oprah seriously put a pie on her list. I like pie, but you know what? You can’t get it, it’s unavailable. They didn’t even make enough of these pies for us to buy them. Pleebs.
57. Carry-On Suitcases. These suitcases are 600 dollars. Have you seen what they do to luggage at the airport? Why on earth would I give them a 600 dollar piece of luggage to toss around? And I know it says these are carry-ons, but you KNOW that flight is going to be full and half of us are going to end up checking our bags anyway…
58. Animal shot glasses. Oprah is into animal themed kitchen things this year. Also, is mollaspace something that I should know what is?
59. Truffle chips. More truffles. So fancy.
60. Cutting board with words carved in it. Because that is just what I need more nooks and crannies on my cutting board to scrub.
61. Basket of Turtle chocolate. Looks innocent enough, right? Nope– this sucker is ninety dollars. Ninety dollars for a basket of chocolate. I have stayed in hotel rooms that cost less than that.
62. Tiny bakewares that look like big bakewares. Okay, I am a sucker for tiny things that look like bigger things, so I would probably buy these.
63. Elvis cake. There is just something weird to me about getting a cake in the mail. Do people do that?
64. Oprah’s favorite sweatpants. You know what? I can totally respect that Oprah has her favorite sweatpants. I feel her. I once bought yoga pants in bulk from Old Navy and it was the greatest thing ever.
65. iPhone 6 Plus in Rose Gold. FINE Oprah, rub it in that I don’t have a plus in rose gold yet and you do. It’s hwatever. We can still be friends. Can I see your phone?
66. Gadget bag. I dunno, I kind of want this bag. I think it would make me feel uber cool. Right?
67. Cheese. Because nothing says “thinking of you” like a big box of cheese. Amirite?
68. Giant rock earrings. Oprah! Seriously? These are the ugliest earrings I have ever seen. They look like something in one of those princess dress-up kits you get for three year olds!
69. Confetti boxes. You know what? These are super cute and I totally love them, but I just can’t pay 50 dollars for three empty boxes. I could make these myself with some wrapping paper and an exacto knife.
70. Tower of candy. This is just candy. sixty dollars worth of candy. Do yourself a favor, skip this, go to CVS and pick up something for under ten. They will think that it’s the same thing.
71. Sunday sweatshirt. This is a hundred dollar sweatshirt that you can only wear one day a week. So, do what you want with that.
72. Lasagna pan. I love this pan. It is absolutely fabulous. I want it in every color. Okay that’s probably a bit of a stretch, I just want it in orange.
73. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLAR KNIFE SET FOR CUTTING CHEESE. Nope. What is this? Goop?
74. Salt. You can just give people salt for Christmas. I don’t recommend this.
75. Wireless Speaker. If you were about to spend 500 dollars on a cheese and knife set for a friend, get them this instead. It’s a way cooler gift.
76. Butter London Nail Polish. I love this polish. It stays on longer and better than any other polish I have ever tried. My only real problem with this gift is that it has too many reds in it. Who wants that many red polishes? Oh, and that it’s already sold out. Boo.
So, there you have it. All of Oprah’s 2015 things in one place. Over all, there’s a lot of overpriced stuff here, but I have to admit that I totally want a few things from this list, too. What’s your favorite thing?
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