The Best Advice I Received After Having A Miscarriage

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Nearly 7 years ago, I was blissfully pregnant with my second child. We were in that scary first 12 weeks, that is sort of like the ‘if I am good enough I get to have the baby’ test. Well, I guess I wasn’t good enough, because I drove myself to the hospital just before the 12 week mark, at night, bleeding, hoping against all hope that I could keep the baby.  While I was still technically pregnant, I was losing my baby.  There was still a chance the bleeding would stop, and that I could keep my baby. I just had to wait and see.  I was scheduled for blood tests in a couple of days.  Those were long, hopeful and at the same time sad and scary days. At the end of that wait, with all of the stupid things people say regarding miscarriage on repeat in my head, I was told The Best Advice I Received After Having A Miscarriage.

when you lose a baby

The Best Advice I Received  After Having A Miscarriage

My sister came with me to my blood test appointment, where they measure the amount of ‘pregnancy hormone’ in your system.  She looked after and hung out with my little girl while I had blood drawn and awaited the news. My biggest fear was confirmed. My baby didn’t make it.  My tiny, sweet little baby was taken from me, and we didn’t even get a chance to meet. It was punishment for something, and it hurt. It hurt my heart, it hurt my soul. I cried out to my sister across the entire lobby of the hospital, “I lost the baby!”  On the way home from that appointment I tried to sing Somewhere Over the Rainbow to my daughter, as was our way,  but I just couldn’t get the words out. I had a perpetual lump in my throat, and the place I was in was dark and lonely and sad.  I couldn’t speak without bawling. I couldn’t think without punishing myself, and I couldn’t do anything but feel pity for myself and my loss. I suffered real and tragic loss, and in hindsight,  I was likely in shock.

Even though it has been 7 years since it happened, news from a friend today has sent me back in time a short while. I didn’t go there to wallow, or to feel sorry for myself, I went there because I thought I would be able to bring something useful back. And I did. I brought back the best advice I could ever have hoped for.

The kind and caring words from my doctor

My Doctor recognized my extreme sensitivity to this sad sad news, and understood that I felt that this wasn’t just a fetus that wasn’t going to develop properly. To me this was a baby that died. To me this was my baby that died, that I wouldn’t get to hold, or even see. A baby that didn’t have a chance to be loved by me.  My Doctor told me, to “Go through the sadness. Allow yourself to be sad, and don’t fight it.”

Grief is a strange part of life, and it is a cycle that will not be short cut.  It cuts deep, it hits hard, and rolls over you with bone crushing waves. You need to just go through it, and come out on the other side. If you don’t fight it too hard, it will be easier to heal when you are ready.

losing a baby

The true and awesome words only a sister has the guts to say

My Sister, like most sisters, probably knows me better than anybody else in the world, and advice from her is always living and honest. She knew what was happening in my soul and in my spirit. She knew that I was punishing myself for not being able to keep the baby. She knew that I was looking at it as some sort of retribution. And her advice was stern, “You have 24 hours. You have 24 hours to feel guilty, to question every single thing you have done in the past twelve weeks. Everything you ate, did, thought, smelled and wore. And then that’s it. This is not your fault. You know it, I know it, and that sweet baby knows it.  When your 24 hours is up, you can feel sad, and you can cry, but you can not feel guilty.”

My sister’s advice acknowledged and allowed me to validate my feelings, without getting lost in them, but she also acknowledged that I lost my baby. Not a fetus, not something that wasn’t meant to be, not something that was better off this way.

People say all kinds of stupid things when they are faced with things they don’t understand, or they can’t quite grasp. I also know that not everyone has a sister like mine to be their champion, or a doctor as kind and understanding as mine, so that is why I am sharing their words with you.

If you are going through this, I won’t tell you I know how you are feeling right now. But please know that my heart is with you. The pain you are feeling is real, and you have every right to feel it.

All my love. Evelyne

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  1. This was a great read, sisters really are amazing and those were great words from your doctor! I am so sorry for your loss.
    I had a miscarriage February 12, 2016, I have a 14 year old daughter and an 8 year old son. I was 3 months along and everyone was excited. It was a very sad time for us.
    Last week would have been my due date and it was really tough, I started feeling the loss all over again. I went to donate blood and was not able to yet because of the Rhogam shot that I was given at the time of the miscarriage. When the nurse told me to come back after next February, I was so emotional, I thought that by going and being able to donate again meant that I was slowly healing and moving on with my life. I had to take the day to go home and cry, and cry and cry. I really needed that day. As much as it sucked, I needed that day.
    I decided now to let my angel baby be at peace in heaven, I was hanging on too much and needed to let his or her soul be at rest. I believe I will get to meet him or her one day, but for now, I am grateful for the beautiful children I do have and get to spend time with everyday!

    1. Thank you for your kind words! So hard! I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and yes, I am very fortunate in that I have a rock star of a sister. I think I will see my angels someday too,


  2. Receiving PCS orders does not have to mean the end of your career, even when you won’t be there long. While the military will always throw a monkey wrench in any best-laid plans, your career doesn’t have to be one of them.

  3. I am now 3 months out from my miscarriage. I still feel sad and like I have a hole in my heart where my baby should have been. It was my first pregnancy. It’s hard to talk about without crying. I am scared to try and get pregnant again for the fear of it happening again. I just don’t think I could handle it again. I will be taking to a therapist about it but I am not sure it will truly help me out. I am so sorry Evelyn and the many others out there for your losses as well. It’s a horrible thing that no one should have to go through.

    1. Courtney, I am so very sorry for your loss. There is nothing harder. Everybody goes through things differently, and the sadness can be unbearable. Seeing your doctor is a good idea, and I hope you start to heal. Sending all my warm thoughts your way, Evelyne

  4. My second pregnancy ended at 5 weeks. Crazy how it hurt so bad when I only knew I was pregnant for 4 days. But after more than a year of trying for our second child, I was grieving so much more than just that loss. My doctor, who had been through a miscarriage herself, gave me very similar advice as your doctor. Mine included permission to drown my sorrows in a pint of ice cream if I needed to. But definitely, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to be sad, is the best advice for someone who has had a miscarriage. A dear friend took my then 3yr old for the day so that I could just be sad in peace. #InspireMeMonday

    1. Ice cream is good for a lot of things 🙂
      And yeah, there is so much more to a miscarriage than the loss of a pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your story, Evelyne

  5. I read that medical research has discovered that when a woman is pregnant with a little boy, no matter what the outcome: if she had the baby, if she miscarried, there was abortion, stillbirth, that a small amount of the baby’s DNA circulates in her blood and through her heart for the rest of her life. It seems like this would be true for a baby girl also but it might be more of a technical challenge to identify DNA of a baby girl in a female’s blood.

    1. What a wonderful thought to carry around, thank you 🙂

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