I have had to deal with a lot of looking-for-work type questionnaires lately and I have noticed something oddly disturbing: it seems like the questions were seriously not geared toward those of us who see the world in black and white, and I find myself having internal conversations periodically. It’s like I live in a 1940’s black and white movie, while they reside in some Disney-esque technicolor dream world. Here are my adventures in job hunting, aka: reasons I wish I were a millionaire.
Adventures in Job Hunting
Did your co-workers at your previous job like you?
Well, they didn’t put gum in my hair, whoopie cushions on my chair, or leave all the work to me. Or maybe, just maybe, they didn’t have a defined opinion of me and, like me, they came, they worked their jobs, and they left. You know, like professionals who know how to fake it if they don’t like somebody? So… I am gonna say yes, they liked me, since you are forcing me to assume one answer or another.
How would your friends describe you?
I have no clue. Zero. Zip. Nada. I figure they find some redeeming qualities in me, since they don’t chase me away with pitchforks, but I really couldn’t tell you what those are. Not because I don’t have good qualities, but because beauty of any sort is in the eye of the beholder, and they may very well love me dearly for something that I see as a fault.
If your coworker is having a bad day, do you help them through it?
Well, this is where my answers make me sound like a cold hearted bitch. See, you basically want me to tell you whether I would drop everything and grab a cuppa and some tissue and talk my coworker through their issue. Nope. Not gonna happen. I am here to do the job. So, my response is most likely to be to keep the coworker working while they talk through their issue, let them get it out and listen while they keep talking, because hey there is still work to do so why not?
Do you have a problem with self confidence?
Nope. I have a problem with believing that an employer will look at my resume and application and believe that I am truly as worthy as I know I am. I have a problem talking myself up. I wonder why, when little girls aren’t encouraged to speak highly of themselves because a prideful woman isn’t attractive.
See, I know I am amazing. I have skills coming out my ears. I could run this place and turn a profit, but I have been there, done that, and really don’t want to so I will work my butt off to make you look good. No, I don’t have a problem with self confidence; I simply don’t believe that I am visible to anybody but myself and the friends who have taken the time to see me.
Why should we hire you instead of the other candidates?
I have no clue.
Why do you want to work here?
Well, I heard a rumor that you pay folks in dollar bills which, amazingly, is exactly what I need to pay my bills. I would likely have a different answer if this was a job that could actually improve my life, but let’s be honest. I am hungry. I need a safe place to sleep. Your minimum wage job will help me keep the wolf from the door so that when I do find the right job in a few months, I don’t look like a homeless person. So yeah, I am all kinds of pumped to be flipping your burgers, frying your chicken, or stuffing your tacos. And yeah, I saw where your dirty mind just went. Let me put it in words you can understand: SHOW ME THE MONEY!!
I don’t figure I am alone in my loathing of the job search process, so if you are looking for work too, I sincerely wish you the very best of luck. May they truly see you.
Oh, hey, I can’t possibly be the only one that shakes my head at some of these questions that get asked. How do some of these conversations play out in your head?