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Dear April The Giraffe…Just Between You And Me, Are You Really Pregnant?

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Dear April,

Come on now! We all love you, but we are tired of waiting. I’m sure you are tired too, what with your handlers and veterinarians looking at your lady bits, getting felt up, being cooped up in a “birthing pen” all day, and getting no privacy from the spying eyes of eleventy billion people.

They say normal giraffe gestation is 13-15 months. What’s it been now, like 19 months? I am beginning to think you are toying with us…seriously, April, are you even pregnant?

Dear April The Giraffe…Just Between You And Me, Are You Really Pregnant?

Speaking of toys, I see you are now sponsored by Toys ‘R Us. That’s a pretty sweet deal. I’d want to wait it out as long as I could, too! Keep your little Geoffrey in as long as you can. Maybe get them to endorse up a new, state-of-the-art enclosure for you. Afterall, you have become America’s sweetheart. Only the best for you will do.

Seriously, though. When are you going to drop that baby? Never has the public been on such pins and needles waiting for the birth of a baby since Beyoncé had baby Blue Ivy. Yeah, girl, you’re famous!

One of your handlers, a few weeks back, said there were definitely hooves hanging out your backside. Nope. That turned out to be false. Then your vet said that you would have the baby “definitely” that night or the next day. That was like two weeks ago. Nothing.

Still we all come back. We daily anticipate the arrival of this little fella/young lady. We sit, glued to the “Giraffe Cam.” We hold wagers and tell good-humored jokes to pass the time, while you stand there, lazily munching on straw in your stall.

You flick your tail, and the internet goes nuts. “She’s having the baby! I can tell! Her tail raised!” Nope. Poop. And still we wait.

I want to be on your side, Momma, but you’re making this exceedingly difficult. At this rate, you’re going to give birth to a full-grown, twenty-foot, two-thousand pound “baby.” No, no, I’m not calling you fat, but come on. Just between you and me (nobody else has to know), are you really pregnant?

I mean, people are starting to talk. I try to defend you, but each day that goes by knocks a chink out of my armor. I don’t want to admit these people are right. I don’t want to admit this was some elaborate scam to get people to stupidly watch a giraffe just walking around a stall for months. It is pretty suspicious that this has all coincided with the opening of the park.

No, I’m not trying to insinuate anything, but it would be helpful if you would, you know, actually produce a baby. It would stop all the gossip about you. It would keep the haters at bay.

I love you. You know this. We’ve become very close, dare I say we are approaching bestie status, in the last few months I’ve spent stalking your live feed and watching your hooha. You know I’ll come back everyday. I will loyally wait patiently for when you are ready. But, for the love! Please have that baby, already!!

Forever In Wait,

Your Biggest Fan

This is me, staring at my screen all day, waiting for a giraffe to poop out a baby…

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