Rebuilding My Life One Cup of Coffee at a Time

It’s strange how the tiniest things become massive when your brain stops cooperating. When executive dysfunction moves in, even getting dressed or making a cup of coffee can feel like climbing a mountain barefoot.

There were so many things I wanted to do last year.
I wanted to go to on adventures. I wanted to take walks. I wanted to sit on my porch with my morning drink and feel the air on my skin without panic.

But I didn’t.
Because I couldn’t.
Or, more truthfully, because every time I tried, I was interrupted by yelling. Or dread. Or guilt. Or the look on his face that said, How dare you try to enjoy something without me.

I missed so many things that would have made me feel human. And that’s the thing no one talks about with relationships like that. You don’t just lose yourself. You lose the little rituals that tell you you’re allowed to exist.

So now? I rebuild with coffee.

Not metaphorically. Literally. I get up. I pour it. I walk it to the porch.
And I sit there.

No yelling. No passive-aggressive sighs from across the room.
No being told I’m selfish for needing space.
Just… coffee. And quiet. And the sound of my own breathing.

It’s wild how safe I feel in those moments.
How far I’ve come from the days where peace was just a rumor I’d heard other people mention.

This year, I went to Pride on purpose. Alone.
I walked there because I wanted to. I stopped for a fancy coffee on the way because I could. I wore the boots I didn’t get to wear last year, the ones that make me feel powerful and grounded.

And the whole time?
I felt calm. Not performative calm. Not “faking it for survival” calm. Just… real, deep, quiet calm.

A year ago, we were technically apart—but he still wouldn’t leave.
He stayed in the house. He hovered. He guilted and gaslit and acted like nothing was wrong, even though everything was.

I couldn’t breathe in my own home.
And now I can.

So if you’re wondering what healing looks like—it’s not always some big transformation.
Sometimes, it’s realizing you can just go.
That you don’t need permission anymore.
That no one is standing between you and the world.

Sometimes it’s just about the coffee.