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When You’re A Double-Ply Girl Stuck Living A Single-Ply Life…

So a few years back, after 20 years of successful adulting, life went sideways and I ended up living back with my parents. It has been a unique opportunity to become better acquainted with my family, but what has struck me most has been the opportunity to get in touch with my inner self.

No, not yoga…

Not meditation…

Single-ply toilet paper.

toilet-paper-rant

When You’re A Double-Ply Girl Stuck Living A Single-Ply Life…

You know the kind I am talking about, the stuff that dissolves at the first touch of liquid and is wonderful for the septic system. This pampered tush is not a fan. After being spoiled with the fancy quilted stuff for years (yes, I will sacrifice grocery money to get that stuff that the cartoon bears claim doesn’t leave bits behind on my behind), the adjustment to single-ply has been daunting. And the stuff at work??? little more than facial tissue in 3″x2″ slips.

Okay, so let’s be real here. Why does this stuff even exist? We are in a drought here in Southern California, but we are using toilet paper that requires either a bidet or five showers a day just to hose those little bits out of…. shall we say, crinkly…. areas of the body. It isn’t until you have something small and rough in between those crinkles that you really understand how sensitive that flesh is, and you start doing the same dance the lady in the hemorrhoid commercial always does.

On top of all of this, I feel I should point out that nobody wants to be getting intimate and find TP remnants. I mean we all know that these areas are dual purpose, but the reminder in the midst of sexy times is rather off-putting.

This may well be why most of Europe, Asia, and the Middle East have bidets in their restrooms. They can be used in conjunction with toilet paper or as a standalone cleansing tool, but you don’t end up with any left behinds, and no more skid marks either! I am not sure why the bidet hasn’t reached any kind of popularity in the U.S., as the initial reasons for snubbing it have long since passed, but we are a stubborn sort so we leave the luxury of a bidet (actually fairly inexpensive, I saw one for less than $70) to the wealthy.

I have a solution, but one of those cool people magazines told me years ago that you can’t be cool if you have this solution on hand. Mostly because it was originally created for kids and marketed with training pants. I do have to give retailers their due, after years of having to hang my head and pretend I was shopping for my toddler, they finally began marketing the solution in the toilet paper aisle. Yep, flushable wipes are definitely the solution. You can still get the cheap kind (sadist), and it will still fall apart on you if that is what you are all about, but the whole thing of it being wet, kinda keeps it from getting left behind on your behind. Personally, I think of it as a bidet-in-a-box and do my very best to keep well stocked. Because let’s be honest, I only want to know myself just so well.

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Thursday 4th of July 2019

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