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Rosemary

Rosemary is the least secret secret identity of this a writer, freelance editor, and international woman of mystery. You can find her dossier and a list of her novels at rosemaryclement.com.

Confession: I Love The Girl Scouts, But I Hate Their Cookies!

I have a shameful admission to make: I don’t like Girl Scout Cookies. I think Samoas might be the Pumpkin Spice Latte of the cookie world. It’s not that it’s so good, you just can’t get it all year long. Does anyone really like Thin Mints, or do we all just pretend so we don’t look …

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The King Of The Netherlands Has A Huge Secret, Sort Of…

I’m a first generation American and usually pretty happy about that. But every now and then, my blood runs orange.* Netherlands orange, that is. Mostly during the Winter Olympics and the World Cup. Because skating and soccer are part of my heritage, like red wheels of cheese and chocolate sprinkles on buttered bread. Which is why when …

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An Eccentric Aunt’s Guide To Learning To Love Knitting

In my ongoing decent into eccentric aunt territory, I have become…a knitter. A person who knits in public. And like a lot of knitters, I will wax poetic about how much I love to knit, and how soothing the rhythm of the needles can be, blah blah blah. But when I have my knitting out (because …

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I Can Say “Nipple Clamps” Here, Right?

Just what are nipple clamps for anyway? It’s a post-Fifty Shades of Grey world, and there is a huge demand for super-sexy romantic novels. Authors work hand over fist to supply readers with what they want, and as a freelancer, I copy edit a lot of erotic romance. What does a copy editor do? Nitpick, …

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About The Time I Was Left Unsupervised In A Room With 4-Million Worth Of Cocaine…

Until I moved to Fort Worth, I think I got called to jury duty more often than some people go to the dentist. That’s what happens when you live in a county with more cattle than people. It wasn’t exactly a crime-riddled area, but when you did have a local offender, you had to go …

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Turns Out I’m A Hufflepuff. Thanks A Lot, Sorting Hat!

So, I was at a conference (sort of) recently and seated for dinner with other writer/reader types—who are also good friends I get to see not often enough—when the conversation turned, as it does, to Hogwarts’ houses. Look, don’t even pretend you haven’t had the “what house would you be in” conversation, or secretly sorted …

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I Love My Apple Watch, But Apparently That Makes Me Uncool…

I never aspired to be Popular with a capital “P.” Not in the cliche clique sense. No, my #lifegoal has always been to be a Cool Geek Girl…but I’m pretty sure I haven’t leveled up past Nerd. In fact, I think I might have blown the whole thing by getting an Apple Watch. I’ve always owned Macs, every since …

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That Time I Got A Brain Parasite

When I was studying for my degree, we shared a campus, as well as some faculty, with the medical school. My neurology professor—whose clinical stories pretty much guaranteed I would never ride a motorcycle or try to shoot myself in the head—also talked about this thing medical students do where whatever disorder or disease they’re …

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When Did ‘Adorkable’ Become Mainstream?

Look, this is going to make me sound like some kind of hipster-nerd, but seriously, when I was in middle school, reading a book with a dragon on the cover was social suicide. You liked Star Trek? Obviously you lived in your mom’s basement. You dressed as a wizard for Halloween? You were doomed to die a virgin. Now, …

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One-Hour Ways To Keep Your Resolutions

I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that you probably had a lot of goals for 2016 that didn’t get done. Resolutions, goals, wishes, and bucket list items…all those things. No? Just me, then? When it comes to good practices or goal setting, New Year’s Day is pretty arbitrary. It’s not like …

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How Princess Leia Changed The World

Princess Leia changed my life. This is not hyperbole. I come from a pre-Katniss, pre-Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer, pre-Hillary-Clinton era. I know this makes me sound old, but I grew up in Texas, so subtract like ten years from the female empowerment timeline. Oh, we had Governor Ann Richards, but she was considered an aberration. There was Ripley …

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Santa Is Creepier Than The Creepiest Clown

When I was little, we couldn’t even go to the mall after Thanksgiving. The department stores were okay, Mom tells me, but as soon as we approached the main mall where SANTA CLAUS was, I’d start screaming like I was being murdered. Now that Santa shows up around Halloween, I can’t let it dominate my …

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9 Ways To Survive Christmas Without Driving Yourself (And Everyone Around You) Insane

I love giving gifts, but I hate shopping for them. I mean, HATE it. It isn’t that I’m indecisive. I know that when I see the right thing for somebody, I’ll know it. And by God, I’m going to keep looking until I find it. That’s why I cheat. I’m a Cheaty McCheaterson when it …

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What To Do When You’re Sick Of Santa (And Christmas In General)…

When my dad was a kid, he and his brother got these barber-pole sized peppermint candy canes in their Christmas stockings. Being boys, and being presented with more candy than they probably saw all year—because it was the olden days, when he had to walk to school in a snowstorm, uphill both ways—they each ate …

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10 Holiday Songs That You’re Probably Not Sick Of

Working at Starbuck during the holiday season is its own type of pumpkin spice flavored hell, but you don’t think about those poor baristas stuck listening to the same songs for six to eight hours. Shuffled or not, it’s enough to make you want to drown yourself in the coffee urn. I swear if I had …

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Confession: Every Time Things Get Tough, I Move…

Furniture. Every time things get tough I move furniture. Am I alone in this? It’s sort of a joke in my family that we don’t particularly like change. And by “joke” I mean one of those things that’s funny until it’s not. My grandmother, for instance, has not moved a stick of furniture within my …

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Christmas For Women Struggling With Fertility…

I was young when my doctor told me I wouldn’t be able to conceive without help—medical help, I mean, not the usual two-to-tango type. It sucked, but infertility runs in my family and having drawn the short straw in my generation, at least I found out early. I had plenty of time to think about …

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Hope You’re Enjoying That Period, Ladies, Because Tampons Are A Luxury…

Texas Tampon Tax. Say that three times fast. It’s one of the bills that will be discussed in the Texas legislature in 2017. What you have to understand about Texans is that we hate for people to tell us what to do. This has nothing to do with politics; it’s just in our nature. We …

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When Exactly Are The 12 Days Of Christmas, And What’s Up With All Those Birds?

Since the first of this month, my mailbox fills every morning with the day’s ads, which is normal, plus all the extra ones because the holidays are looming, which is seasonal, and half of them say “It’s day 6 (or 7 or 8) of the 12 Days of Savings!” which is wrong. Okay. It’s not technically …

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10 Reasons Why Living With A Parent Is The Best

So, my mom lives with me. Or I live with her, depending on who you ask and how the royalty checks are going. We’ve cohabitated since my father died, and fortunately we get along pretty well. Or at least we have since I finished what my brother described as pubermenopause hell. You get a lot …

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7 Ways To Comfort A Grieving Friend

If you are lucky, you may get pretty far into life before you experience a truly devastating loss. But sooner or later, someone you care about will take an intense blow, and part of adulting is to comfort and support them during their heartbreak. It’s intimidating. Especially for people who have anxiety when they can’t …

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Science Proves Dogs And Humans Are Earth’s OTP (One True Pairing)

Once again, science proves something that people already know. Dog people, anyway. A study published in the journal Science proved that dogs respond to both the words their people say and the tone. The really cool part about this, though, is that they showed that they process them in different parts of the brain, similar to …

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I Left Dairy Queen Without Ordering, And Learned An Important Lesson About My Life…

I did something terrible yesterday. I pulled into the drive-through at Dairy Queen…and drove out without buying anything. If There’s Such Thing As A Retail-People Pleaser, I’m That… Dairy Queen, if you don’t have one where you are, has been advertising these special Blizzards—specifically, this one that’s chocolate ice cream with a marshmallow middle. And since …

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