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How My Opinion Of ‘Bad Parents’ Changed After I Had Kids

I’m out to dinner with my husband when the screeching starts. I roll my eyes, looking at the child standing backwards in the booth in front of me. She starts to bounce up and down on the pleather seat, as she continues to screech and laugh. Her mother tries to get her to turn around …

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The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber Alert

I am going to tell you the true story of how I was the most gullible child ever. And about how my family tricked me into believing the “Falling Rock” sign was actually a missing child sign… The Time My Family Tricked Me Into Believing A Street Sign Was An Old-Time Version Of An Amber …

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Daddy-Daughter Dates And Why They’re Essential

A friend of mine sent me a link about how creepy an author found Daddy-Daughter Dances and Daddy-Daughter Date Nights. The author wrote that the whole concept was weird and patriarchal and all those buzzwords insufferable people like to throw around. This piece really jammed me up because that very next night was our Daddy …

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Could Someone Please Tell My Family The Toilet Paper Fairy Doesn’t Exist?

I’ve just finished going to the bathroom. Okay, you got me, I was pooping. Let’s get real, we all do it. I go to wipe, and I’m greeted with an empty role of toilet paper on the holder attached to the bathroom wall. Just an empty tube of cardboard stares back at me. Not even …

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The Unexpected Joy Of Cleaning With My Teenager

I know all you moms with teenagers can understand the dread of housecleaning day. Since my daughter was able to start picking up her own toys, we’ve cleaned house on Sundays. It’s our day. The day to prepare for the week: get laundry, dusting, vacuuming, toilets scrubbed, floors washed, sheets changed on the beds, housecleaning, crank up …

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I Have No Problem With Beating My Kids

You can’t step outside without cringing at the desperate weeping in the streets. I look around and all I see are a bunch of children who can’t believe they’ve lost. They can’t believe the rules were not in their favor. How dare someone beat them at their own game! These kids haven’t learned to be …

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If I Find The Cabinets Doors Left Open ONE MORE TIME…

It’s like a picture taken straight from the scene of a horror movie: You walk into your kitchen, and find the cabinets wide open. You look down. Two drawers are pulled out, like something was riffling through them looking for a spoon. You quickly shut them, trying not to think about that movie you just watched …

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A Year Ago I Didn’t Want Kids, Now I Live For Mustard Bombs And Maniacal Baby Giggles…

A little over a year ago my personal dating profile could have read something like: ‘Crazy workaholic cat lady who loves wild weekends with big books and bottomless pots of dark roast coffees looking for Mr. Right Now to help keep her gossip interesting and her reputation questionable.’ No shame. Who knew things would change …

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When You Sniff Your Kids Clothes To See What’s Still Clean, And Then Find Poo…

America, we’ve got a big problem. I know I say that a lot, but this time the problem actually affects me. We’ve got a dirty clothes epidemic. This week I became a semi-stay-at-home-dad. I’m adjusting to a world of play-dates and lunchboxes and laundry, and I’ve got to tell you…I’m not washing this fecking laundry …

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Autism Moms: How Do You Discipline A Child Who Doesn’t Understand Discipline?

Let me say out of the gate, I don’t have solutions. I have questions. And as a stepparent, there’s only so much I can do to make a difference. To complicate matters more, parenting a child with special needs in two separate households is…in short…almost effing impossible. When I went all in with my husband …

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That Time My Son Got Detention For Farting In Class…

There was a time in my son’s academic career where he wasn’t exactly a model student.  He was easily distracted and quick to frustration when something wasn’t going his way.  Knowing that this behavior was affecting his work in class, I didn’t think much about it when I got a message that he would need …

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7 Things To Expect When Your Daughter Starts Her Period…

The moment your sonographer tells you “It looks like you’re having a girl” you know that this day will come:  The day where your daughter becomes a woman.  While nothing can quite prepare you for this new adventure, here are a few things you can expect… Or, at least, some things I’ve come to expect. But …

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Is There A Way To Teach Modesty Without It Feeling Like Body Shaming?

She loves her body. Bonus points for that. She sixteen so it could very easily have gone the other direction. She could want to cover herself from head to toe and keep other people from seeing the cesspool that is her teenage body. But no. Instead, she looks in the mirror, nods in approval, turns …

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Kids Climb Things, And Fall – That Doesn’t Make Me A Bad Mom

I have two rambunctious boys. They’re three and one and full of love and kisses and Iron Man. The three-year-old, at least. He’s convinced he’s Iron Man. That is my fault. One day while I was doing dishes, I put on the Iron Man cartoon for him and that was that. Ever since then he’s …

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When The Baby Doesn’t Sleep, No One Sleeps…

I’m so bone tired today that as I’m writing this, my eyes are crossing. My shoulders ache, my head aches, my I-don’t-even-know-what-that-is aches. Seriously, the last time I felt like this was after three solid days of the flu, and no one to take care of me. I’m not complaining, really I’m not, but last …

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Dear Ten-Year-Old, You’re Right That I’m Not Your Mom, But…

Dear Ten-Year-Old, Your favorite thing to say when you’re mad at me is that I’m not your mom. You don’t have to listen to me because I’m not your mom. You don’t have to do what I ask because I’m not your mom. I get it. I’m not her. I’m never going to be her. …

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My Kids Are Growing Up And 3 Other Terrible Things

My daughter is packing for her very first summer camp. She’s 7 years old and has absolutely no use for her mother or me anymore. In fact, if she could reach the freezer door and get her own Popsicles, she might have killed us in our sleep long ago, as is our family’s Sith Lord …

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#MomSongs Perfectly Describes What It’s Like To Be A Mom

As it turns out, the day after Mother’s Day is the most fun time to be a mom on Twitter. Inspired by a segment on the comedy game show @midnight with Chris Hardwick, fans tweeted the show their best parody songs about their moms using the hashtag #MomSongs. The results were, well…pretty accurate: I Wanna …

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10 Things I Actually Learned In Elementary School (Written By A Fifth Grader)

I asked my fifth grader to tell me what she’s learned in Elementary School– we are talking life lessons here, not multiplication and such, and I just love what she had to say. Ten Things I Actually Learned In Elementary School (Written By A Fifth Grader) Sometimes your teachers are going to suck. They just …

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This Is Why Your Kids Like Minecraft

Of all the things that modern technology has given us – smart phones, space travel, litter boxes that clean themselves, etc. – the best thing by far, in my not-so-humble opinion, is video games. Enjoying a good movie or binge-watched TV series is great and all, but it’s sort of like a football player watching …

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New Age Slang Guide: How To Make Sense Out Of The Crap Your Teenager Says

How often do you listen to your teenager talk to their friends and just don’t understand a damn word they say? Gone are the days of “sweet” and “wicked”. Now we have phrases like “Curved”, and “It’s lit.”. Here is how you can make some sense out of the crap your teenager says. How To Make …

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My Daughter Came Home With Lice And Now I’m Going To Have To Burn Down Our House

I’m not a noob to the affects of lice. When I was a little girl my mom once threatened to move me into a cabin by myself if I shared my hat, headband, and/or affection with another lice-carrying classmate. I was a friendly kid, what can I say? So maybe twice a year or so from the time …

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If Motherhood Is A Gift, What Exactly Is The Return Policy?

Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom. Most of the time. Most of the time it’s the greatest thing ever. Most of the time I look at those beautiful blue eyes and think, “Wow. You’re the coolest kid alive.” But I didn’t give birth to her. And since she is ten, she likes …

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This Child Plans To Be A Superhero Named Killer When She Grows Up…So She Can Kill People…

Kids are sweet…and sometimes terrifying. While we love when they say the darndest things, sometimes the things they say make us want to check our bedroom locks a few extra times at night. Take this mom… Her daughter was given a simple assignment in school: If you were a superhero, who would you be and …

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How To Tell Your Kids The Truth About Santa

My daughter is in the fifth grade, so she’s known the truth about the whole SANTA thing for a while. But, when it came up I was completely unprepared. We were getting our nails done right before Easter, and she leaned over to me across her pedicure chair. “Mom, tell it to me straight– there’s …

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How To Take All Your Makeup With You When You Travel

I am travel obsessed. If I don’t get on a plane and fly somewhere at least once a month, I feel like I have failed at successfully quenching my wanderlust. I am also makeup obsessed, which can be a huge pain when you are traveling all the time, because you are constantly moving makeup from …

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Don’t Make Me Spill My Wine: 10 Things Kids Do That Flip Your Switch

Most of the time my kids are awesome, but molding adolescents into responsible adults can be a challenge that will test the patience of a saint. After a long week at the office, running errands, acting as family chauffeur and short order cook, I want nothing more than to kick back and have a nice …

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9 Reasons to Like Your Dogs More Than Your Kids

A lot of things have changed for me over the years, going from a corporate ladder-climber to a writer/stay-at-home mom has been a big one. My love for cheap booze has been replaced by wine or a well mixed Beergarita. Sensible flats now sit on racks where stripper heels used to be and yoga pants take the spot that formerly held …

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You’re The Reason Your Kid Hates Vegetables

It’s seven o’clock at night. Dinner has been over for an hour, homework has to be done, baths have to be taken, and it’s almost time for bed…yet, you and your littlest are still sitting at the kitchen table locked in an eye-to-eye all out combat over that one bite of broccoli he refuses to …

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1 Simple Trick To Get Your Child to Drink More Water

It’s no secret that drinking water is essential to our survival. As parents we need to ensure our children get enough water during the day and that can be a bit of a challenge especially if they prefer sweet or flavorful drinks. Again no surprise there since almost every commercial they see is of a kid …

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Five Things Girls Need To Know Before Fifth Grade

My daughter starts fifth grade in two weeks. I remember when we were walking her to school in Kindergarten, and I saw the fifth graders walking on their own. “Mom,” she asked, “Can I walk to school without you?” I promised her when she got to fifth grade, I would let her. Now, I am …

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My Toddler Has Jealousy Issues {AKA my toddler is jealous of new baby}

Your first baby will always be your first baby. You spoil them rotten, you love on them constantly. And if you’re me, you even let them sleep in the bed with you because you’re just too heartbroken to listen to them cry themselves to sleep that first time. But when my toddler is jealous of …

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5 Ways to Help Your Toddler Make Friends

Like every mom ever, I know that having friends is a huge part of growing up. I mean, really, without friends, how do kids learn to navigate the world beyond mommy’s skirts and daddy’s slacks?! But, as with everything else in a littlie’s life, they have to figure-out how to make friends before they can …

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Halle’s been here…

Well… obviously Halle has been here, but the question is… how can a child so tiny need so many toys? Or, more importantly, how can a child so tiny get bored with all these toys so quickly? You buy thousands of dollars in toys, and your kid would rather play with her daddy’s shoe! It …

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Her first haircut!

Well, my little girl was looking a little scraggly today, and her bangs were in her eyes, so I took her to get her first haircut! She got to watch an Elmo movie while sitting in a little car… so all in all it was a pretty good experience… I got a little stressed out …

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